I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
