he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
