So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
