So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
