afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
