Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
