I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
