I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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