I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
