Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
