so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
