new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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