WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
