____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
