I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
