When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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