Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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