he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
