we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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