I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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