I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize