i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
