its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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