So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
