I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
FUCK WHALES
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
