Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
