i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
