1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I want to fling myself into the sun
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
