I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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