Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
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Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
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in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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