I'm jealous of your bromance
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
