you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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