so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
