Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
