It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
