just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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