We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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