I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
