Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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