I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
