You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i out mim tonsoeep
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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