I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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