If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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