I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
