Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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