So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
