I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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