Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
