i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
