Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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