On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
