i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
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I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
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I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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