Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
