So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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