I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
