god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
