You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
